How to Be Fat, Average and Bored: 6 Steps to Fit in and Protect Yourself From Strange Food

1. Drink Soda.

Lots of it. It's refreshing, it's sweet and it complements any food. Don't just save it for meals. Soda tastes great sipped throughout the day. Ask your peers where to find the biggest refill cup and keep it next to you at your desk while you fill out TPS reports.

2. Avoid walking (and definitely avoid stairs).

Man didn't pave roads and clear-cut for freeways so that you'd have to travel by foot. No matter how short the trip, it's shorter in a car. Your car has air conditioning, a radio and your neighbor envies it. If you add elevators to the mix, you can avoid exertion all together. You'll arrive at your cubicle refreshed and looking sharp.

3. Diet constantly

The more absurd the better. This way you are sure to relapse into a bout of gluttony and binging. Choose deprivation diets, like no-carb, no-fat, or no flavor. These deliver dramatic results fast and make great conversation topics at work. If you are suffering, it is a sure sign that you are succeeding, and who doesn't respect a martyr?

4. Finish your plate

Whether you are hungry or not, a clean plate is a sign of a life well lived. There are children starving everywhere, so you face a moral imperative to eat the whole thing. You never know when you might eat again, and despite that decidedly ill feeling you may have in the short term, it will give way to "pleasantly full" in a few hours.

5. Skip the vegetables

They don't taste like anything and they don't make you full. Humans didn't spend millennia evolving to the top of the food chain to eat roughage. Just the word sounds gross. It is much more efficient and tasty to eat animals that ate the vegetables for you (Though really tasty animals mostly eat refined soy and corn meal). If you absolutely must, stick with vegetables you can deep-fry, like potatoes, or things you can drown in ranch dressing or cover in melted Velveeta.

6. Use the drive-through

It's fast, it's convenient, you don't have to cook or tip and you can eat your food in the car or back at your desk. "Value Menus" make it easy to create the ultimate food pairing, and they even include a giant soda (see item 1). Drive-throughs are great for dinner too. Why dirty the kitchen and waste valuable "Television time" cooking when you can appease your whining family with a box or bucket without having to get out of the car?

Stick with these basics and in no time, you'll possess the enviable physique that will allow you to join in on all the complaining and despair that you have been missing out on.

The Greatest Food Travel Adventures and Reviews from Around the World. A quest to inspire the world through food and travel...One bite at a time
~Sage

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